An Apology For Accidentally Breaking The Internet

I’m sorry.

To the millions of people whose precious minutes were wasted on the third of March, 2012, between the approximate time of 5:57pm and 6:03pm, I apologise. All I ask is for your forgiveness, and that you understand the reasoning behind my mistake.

It started like any normal Saturday evening; I was working on a new article for my site (by which I mean I was watching kittens try to fit into cardboard boxes, obviously), when I noticed a drastic reduction in both network and computer speed: something was slowing my computer down, but I didn’t know what. So, I did some diagnostics to check. The CPU usage was average, the router was routin’ all good, and the monitor wasn’t on fire, but the hard drive space was suspiciously low. I think it was that point when it all began to make sense. I was the host.

As I’m sure you all know, the Internet is powered by a mind-boggling amount of interconnected servers, computers and wires, all in the “cloud” what you may not know is that the “cloud” is actually stored on a select few groups of computers, in the forms of specific files. The files are stored in the My Documents folder, are called http.internet, and are given to any computer who requests them.

The easiest way to check if you’re a host is simply to check your My Documents folder for a large file called http.internet. If it’s there, you’re hosting the Internet; if you find it on your computer, don’t worry — it’s only for a maximum of 24 hours (or until the Internet Consortium can locate another computer).

Anyway, I’m digressing. The reason the internet went down for six minutes was because I accidentally deleted the HTTP file. I wanted to check out what part of the Internet was on my computer (for those wondering, it was FarmVille, so nothing important), and instead of pressing Enter to open it, I hit backspace, which deleted the file, and caused an emergency “rehosting” — finding a new computer to move the files on to.

It was a rookie mistake, and for that, I’m sorry. There’s obviously lessons to be learnt here; the most important of which, I think, is to be more deliberate in my actions, and to ensure that anything in futu—

Wait, I had Farmville? Oh. In that case, I’m not sorry.

Signed, Visual Idiot Visual Idiot, breaker of pixels and internet